I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
