i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
