im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
