a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
