3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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