It's like God shit irony all over that family
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize