Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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