my phone needs a breathalizer
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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