I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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