i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
