god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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