i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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