he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
