My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
