if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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