I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
