i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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