Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
