I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
