She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
