i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
