Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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