I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
