the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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