We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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