I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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