Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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