I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
