He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
