My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
