if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
