put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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