dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
