Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize