The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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