Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
