Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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