Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
