There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
