I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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