yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
FUCK WHALES
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
