So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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