Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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