I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
