Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
