i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
