the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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