You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
