doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
