Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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