It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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