i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
