Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
