I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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