I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
