He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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