I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
