Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize