I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
