1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
