The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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